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Bosnian Gum company Introduces New War-Flavored Gum

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Bosnian Gum company Introduces New War-Flavored Gum

ZAGREB—YugoBubble, Bosnia’s leading producer of gum and candy confections, cashed in on the enduring popularity of its country’s civil war by unveiling an exciting new war-flavored gum Monday. According to Yugo-Bubble spokesperson Radjan Miltin-ovic, the gum, known as Serb-licious Super Chew-Chew, will have an “exciting, edge-of-death war flavor, packed with pure chewing satisfaction and eight-year-long war goodness.” Said Milt-inovic: “Whether you’re visiting in-jured loved ones in the hospital or just hanging out in your basement, hiding from the enemy, Serb-licious is guaranteed to always keep things poppin’.” If the gum is successful, YugoBubble is already prepared to move forward with a full line of new gums, including a burned skin-flavored gum with a burst of shrapnel excitement in the middle.

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