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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Bosnian Gum company Introduces New War-Flavored Gum

ZAGREB—YugoBubble, Bosnia’s leading producer of gum and candy confections, cashed in on the enduring popularity of its country’s civil war by unveiling an exciting new war-flavored gum Monday. According to Yugo-Bubble spokesperson Radjan Miltin-ovic, the gum, known as Serb-licious Super Chew-Chew, will have an “exciting, edge-of-death war flavor, packed with pure chewing satisfaction and eight-year-long war goodness.” Said Milt-inovic: “Whether you’re visiting in-jured loved ones in the hospital or just hanging out in your basement, hiding from the enemy, Serb-licious is guaranteed to always keep things poppin’.” If the gum is successful, YugoBubble is already prepared to move forward with a full line of new gums, including a burned skin-flavored gum with a burst of shrapnel excitement in the middle.

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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