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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Boss Came To Work Today Dressed As Guy Who Fires Sean

TRENTON, NJ—Praising his Halloween costume as “extremely realistic,” employees at local software firm Sterling Data Analytics confirmed Thursday that boss Donald Barlow has come into the office dressed as a guy who’s firing Sean. “Wow, he absolutely nailed it,” marketing associate Susan Dominguez told reporters, adding that Barlow’s depiction of a stern middle manager who, due to Sean’s recent performance issues, is forced to lay him off is “absolutely perfect.” “He’s got a suit on and this really serious look on his face just like a man who’s about to explain to Sean that his position has been terminated, effective immediately, and that he needs to clean out his desk and turn in his keycard. Very authentic. And it looks like he just called Sean into his office, too. Man, he’s really selling it.” At press time, Sterling employees were similarly impressed by Sean’s decision to dress up as a weeping man who had just lost his livelihood.

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