adBlockCheck

Business

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

KFC Introduces New Previously Owned 20-Piece Hot Wings

LOUISVILLE, KY—In an effort to meet the changing demands of its consumers, fast-food chain Kentucky Fried Chicken announced Wednesday that it has begun offering customers the option of purchasing, at a significant discount, a 20-piece box of pre-owned hot wings.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

New Mountain Dew Vows To Kill 99.9% Of Stomach Bacteria

PURCHASE, NY—Touting the beverage’s refreshing citrus taste, tongue-tingling carbonation, and prescription-strength antimicrobial properties, PepsiCo officials announced Wednesday that their newest product, Mountain Dew Code White, kills 99.9 percent of consumers’ stomach bacteria.

Heart Attack A Real Wake-Up Call For Man’s Insurance Provider

HARTFORD, CT—Saying the incident had forced them to completely rethink their past decisions about the man’s coverage and how they would approach his policy from here on out, Aetna executives reported Thursday that the recent heart attack of longtime plan member Michael Burns was a real wake-up call for the 163-year-old insurance company.
End Of Section
  • More News

Boss Gets Into Groove After 3rd Round Of Layoffs

INDIANAPOLIS—After two earlier rounds of clumsy, uncoordinated layoffs, Wiley Advertising manager Hank Strauss finally hit his pink-slip-issuing stride Friday with the "effortless" dismissal of one quarter of his remaining workforce.

Manager Hank Strauss blew through the copywriting department like it was nothing.

"By the time I got to the IT department, I was really feeling it," the 51-year-old said after terminating two dozen full-time employees without breaking a sweat. "I don't know, it was like everything fell into place: my timing, my reflexes, everything.

Added Strauss, "What a rush."

The most recent round of job cuts marked the third time in the past four months that revenue concerns have forced the advertising agency to reduce its payroll, and according to Strauss, this latest spate of layoffs "was by far [his] best yet."

Projecting an air that was both relaxed and assertive, Strauss quickly established a natural firing rhythm Friday afternoon, smoothly easing his workers into unemployment without stumbling once.

Strauss said that at one point he was so in the zone that he deviated from his standard layoff routine and started ad-libbing conciliatory gestures.

"I was firing people in ways I never knew were possible," Strauss said. "Sometimes I'd tell them right off the bat that their position had been eliminated, and other times I'd build it up for a couple minutes and then drop the hammer. It all just came so naturally."

As the firings progressed, Strauss reportedly felt as if he had entered a state of heightened awareness in which he was "three or four moves ahead" of his soon-to-be former employees.

"Everything was sort of moving at half speed," Strauss explained. "It was like I could anticipate what they were going to say, and I was ready for it. I'd be handing them pamphlets on continuing their medical coverage or telling them that their network passwords had already been deactivated before they had even finished asking their questions."

After tossing a bag of ID cards into the trash, he added, "When you're on that kind of a roll, you just run with it. You just let go and let the firings flow through you."

Strauss' performance on Friday represented a striking improvement over his earlier attempts at downsizing, which had been marred by stilted, awkward deliveries, repeated bungling of the company's terms of severance, and unconvincing attempts at condolence.

"God, I'll never forget this one woman, an executive assistant, who we were replacing with an unpaid intern," said an embarrassed Strauss. "She kept pleading and sobbing, and I told her it wasn't personal, just a matter of 'budgetation' restrictions. Budgetation? What was that?"

"I was totally in my head," Strauss continued. "This time around, I trusted my instincts and fired a whole bunch of my workers without any hesitation or second-guessing whatsoever. If only I could do that every day."

While Strauss' solid run of terminations has provided him with a strong sense of personal satisfaction, a number of detractors have voiced displeasure and even hostility regarding the job cuts.

"I've been working for this company for 18 years and this is how they let me go? With a five-minute spiel from that asshole Hank?" said former account representative Caroline Pitt. "You know, I think I heard him say 'nailed it' under his breath as I was walking out the door. What a fucking dick."

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close