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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket

JOPLIN, MO—Expressing frustration over being “hounded nonstop,” 28-year-old junior analyst Harrison Jacobsen complained to reporters Wednesday that his boss at Baines Marketing has been all over his ass about completing his NCAA March Madness bracket. “Brad’s been riding me all week about this damn thing,” Jacobsen said of his supervisor, who has reportedly checked in several times a day to keep track of his progress on entering a bracket into the office’s ESPN.com tournament pool. “The deadline isn’t even until tomorrow, so I don’t get why he’s getting all bent out of shape about it. It’s like, ‘Get off my fucking case, man. I’ll get it done.’” At press time, Jacobsen had filled out his bracket in 30 seconds by picking completely random teams.

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Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

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