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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Boss Really Getting On Man's Ass About Finishing NCAA Bracket

JOPLIN, MO—Expressing frustration over being “hounded nonstop,” 28-year-old junior analyst Harrison Jacobsen complained to reporters Wednesday that his boss at Baines Marketing has been all over his ass about completing his NCAA March Madness bracket. “Brad’s been riding me all week about this damn thing,” Jacobsen said of his supervisor, who has reportedly checked in several times a day to keep track of his progress on entering a bracket into the office’s ESPN.com tournament pool. “The deadline isn’t even until tomorrow, so I don’t get why he’s getting all bent out of shape about it. It’s like, ‘Get off my fucking case, man. I’ll get it done.’” At press time, Jacobsen had filled out his bracket in 30 seconds by picking completely random teams.

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