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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Boss Thinks Female Employee Might Be Ready To Handle Job She’s Been Doing For Past 2 Years

NEW YORK—Believing she may be ready for a higher-level position within the company, a manager at Vidmark Interactive said Thursday that the time had quite possibly come to promote employee Megan Sharpe to the job she has already been doing for about two years now. “Megan’s been great, and I can really see her taking on a new role [whose official responsibilities she already assumes, by default, in her present position],” said chief content officer Chuck Harpster, to whom Sharpe will report if he ultimately determines she does indeed have the skills necessary to handle the duties she has been successfully performing on a daily basis since early 2015. “In addition to giving her a new title, we would, of course, increase her salary [to an amount that would finally be commensurate with the work she does now but that would do nothing to compensate her for having essentially done two people’s jobs for 24 straight months].” At press time, sources confirmed Vidmark executives had decided against the promotion after realizing everything was running pretty smoothly as is.

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