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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit

CLEVELAND–With a puckish gleam in his eye, Northcentral Insurance vice-president Henry McClellan reminisced Monday about his highly publicized sexual-harassment suit of six years ago. "Oh, man, that was a crazy time," McClellan told John Gregorian, his longtime personal attorney, over cocktails at the Lake Erie Yacht Club. "I thought that little prick-tease was going to nail me to the wall on that one. But what you did to her during that cross-exam, John, was truly a thing of beauty. I'll never forget the look on that pretty little face when the verdict was read." The best part, McClellan said, was when the unnamed employee, who had quit her job at Northcentral Insurance prior to the suit, re-applied for work in the company's payroll department and was declined.

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