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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Boss Waxes Nostalgic About Sexual-Harassment Suit

CLEVELAND–With a puckish gleam in his eye, Northcentral Insurance vice-president Henry McClellan reminisced Monday about his highly publicized sexual-harassment suit of six years ago. "Oh, man, that was a crazy time," McClellan told John Gregorian, his longtime personal attorney, over cocktails at the Lake Erie Yacht Club. "I thought that little prick-tease was going to nail me to the wall on that one. But what you did to her during that cross-exam, John, was truly a thing of beauty. I'll never forget the look on that pretty little face when the verdict was read." The best part, McClellan said, was when the unnamed employee, who had quit her job at Northcentral Insurance prior to the suit, re-applied for work in the company's payroll department and was declined.

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