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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Botanists Making Great Strides In Stem Research

ST. LOUIS—Plant researchers continue to report impressive discoveries in stem research, the Botanical Society Of America announced in a position paper released Monday. "Using existing stem lines, we are closer than ever to finding cures for Dutch elm disease and soft rot," said lead researcher Mary Leisgard. Pro-plantlife groups oppose the research, arguing that the stems represent potential life. "Every stem, whether it has taken root and sprouted leaves or not, is a miracle from God," said botany activist Phyllis Bergher. "What these stems need is soil, moisture, and the chance to grow into full-fledged flora as God intended."

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