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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

BOCA RATON, FL—Citing the continuous regurgitation of the same campaign talking points and the media’s exhaustion of almost every conceivable sound bite, political analysts confirmed that the only way tonight’s presidential debate will matter at all is if both candidates enthusiastically endorse a mandatory national eugenics program.

“At this point, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s positions on the issues have been dissected for voters thousands upon thousands of times, so it stands to reason that this 90-minute debate will have no effect on the election unless the two men jointly endorse a plan to purge society’s gene pool of undesirable traits through government-enforced selective breeding,” Time magazine’s Mark Halperin said. “You’re going to hear Romney irrelevantly bring up the Benghazi attacks and Obama evade giving any specifics on talks with Iran. That’s it. So, barring someone flat-out stating that America as a society should systematically control human procreation for the purpose of propagating desirable genetic traits in our children, thus weeding out those deemed “unfit” for reproduction and ultimately creating a Master Race, you can probably tune this one out.”

Halperin added that most viewers will only be watching the debate to listen for any poorly worded turns of phrase likely to inspire Internet memes.

 

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