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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

BOCA RATON, FL—Citing the continuous regurgitation of the same campaign talking points and the media’s exhaustion of almost every conceivable sound bite, political analysts confirmed that the only way tonight’s presidential debate will matter at all is if both candidates enthusiastically endorse a mandatory national eugenics program.

“At this point, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s positions on the issues have been dissected for voters thousands upon thousands of times, so it stands to reason that this 90-minute debate will have no effect on the election unless the two men jointly endorse a plan to purge society’s gene pool of undesirable traits through government-enforced selective breeding,” Time magazine’s Mark Halperin said. “You’re going to hear Romney irrelevantly bring up the Benghazi attacks and Obama evade giving any specifics on talks with Iran. That’s it. So, barring someone flat-out stating that America as a society should systematically control human procreation for the purpose of propagating desirable genetic traits in our children, thus weeding out those deemed “unfit” for reproduction and ultimately creating a Master Race, you can probably tune this one out.”

Halperin added that most viewers will only be watching the debate to listen for any poorly worded turns of phrase likely to inspire Internet memes.

 

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