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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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Both Candidates Announcing Unmitigated Support For Eugenics Virtually Only Way Tonight's Debate Will Matter At All

BOCA RATON, FL—Citing the continuous regurgitation of the same campaign talking points and the media’s exhaustion of almost every conceivable sound bite, political analysts confirmed that the only way tonight’s presidential debate will matter at all is if both candidates enthusiastically endorse a mandatory national eugenics program.

“At this point, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama’s positions on the issues have been dissected for voters thousands upon thousands of times, so it stands to reason that this 90-minute debate will have no effect on the election unless the two men jointly endorse a plan to purge society’s gene pool of undesirable traits through government-enforced selective breeding,” Time magazine’s Mark Halperin said. “You’re going to hear Romney irrelevantly bring up the Benghazi attacks and Obama evade giving any specifics on talks with Iran. That’s it. So, barring someone flat-out stating that America as a society should systematically control human procreation for the purpose of propagating desirable genetic traits in our children, thus weeding out those deemed “unfit” for reproduction and ultimately creating a Master Race, you can probably tune this one out.”

Halperin added that most viewers will only be watching the debate to listen for any poorly worded turns of phrase likely to inspire Internet memes.

 

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