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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Both Teams Satisfied With Three-And-A-Half Yard Carry

KANSAS CITY, MO—Players on both the anemic Kansas City Chiefs offense and the porous Cincinnati Bengals defense celebrated with high-fives, hugs, and minor victory dances when the Bengals managed to stop a rare positive gain by the Chiefs running game during the first quarter of Sunday's game at Arrowhead Stadium. "Getting almost two feet more than their league worst 3.1 yards-per-carry average could be a huge momentum builder for the Chiefs," said CBS announcer Rich Gannon, who had initially expected Chiefs running back Larry Johnson to slip and fall down behind the line of scrimmage, run straight into his blockers, or fumble while the Bengals linebackers either attempted weak arm tackles or overran the play completely. "Still, you really have to like what the Bengals did on that play by allowing only a few yards before tackling the runner. Both of these teams are really setting the tone right now." Gannon added that he didn't know how long these two teams could continue to play over their heads and execute at such an average level.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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