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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Boulder, Colorado, Named Best Place To Raise Abducted Children

The mountains surrounding Boulder won accolades for their stunning views and relative lack of state troopers.
The mountains surrounding Boulder won accolades for their stunning views and relative lack of state troopers.

BOULDER, CO—The picturesque city of Boulder once again placed first in American Living's annual tally of the nation's 20 best places to raise abducted children, taking top honors for the third consecutive year.

"With plenty of cultural amenities, unsurpassed recreational opportunities, and an inviting lack of neighborhood watch groups, Boulder is the ideal place to raise a captive family," the magazine's editors wrote in a two-page feature spread. "The city is large enough for new residents to quickly blend in, yet small enough that one could easily track down a child who manages to escape from the attic crawlspace in the dead of night."

Editors also lauded its many bike paths.

"Boulder is the perfect place for me and the girls," said a local resident who asked that we refer to him only as Peter. "Trust me, we've lived all over: Sacramento, Reno, Tucson, Dallas, Orlando, northern Mexico for a few weeks, Dallas again, even Alaska. Nowhere else comes close."

In addition to its No. 1 overall ranking, Boulder also placed in the top five in several individual categories of the American Living index, including median income, school quality, basement size, annual number of search warrants issued, and green space.

"Everyone here is so friendly," said Mary Brown, who moved to the region last November with her common-law husband. "They're quick to smile and say hello, but they never ask any prying questions, like why you have an Asian baby."

The city of 300,000, located in the foothills of the Rockies, also earned high marks for its stunning scenery and access to "countless outdoor attractions and mountain getaways." Millions of acres of protected wilderness can be found within a half hour's drive of the city center, allowing captors to take their children on overnight camping trips, weekend hikes, or longer excursions as needed until media coverage dies down.

"This is beautiful country out here," said David Walker Janssen, a self-described preacher who has lived for years on the outskirts of Boulder. "Rugged peaks on one side, endless golden plains on the other—God truly chose this land. Just as He chose those flaxen-haired angels to be my rightful brides."

Aside from its natural beauty, Boulder also impressed American Living's editors with its 300 sunny days per year, its wealth of free cultural events, and the fact that building a soundproof backyard shed does not require filing any paperwork with city hall.

"The Boulder business community could not agree more strongly with American Living's assessment," Northern Colorado Chamber of Commerce president Dan Warburton said. "Everything you could possibly need to raise your kidnapped children—ample sunlight, nearby hardware stores with all the tools and rope you could ever ask for, coffee shops where you can sit for hours planning out your next move, even abandoned warehouses—it's all right here. So come, discover Boulder."

While the community's nurturing environment has won the near unanimous praise of visitors and abductors alike, Boulder's most meaningful words of endorsement came from its young people.

"Boulder is great," said 15-year-old Samantha Pritchard, who has lived in the area since April or May or maybe it was June 2007. "I love living here in Boulder. Yup, I love living right here in Boulder, Colorado."

"That's Boulder, Colorado," she added.

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