adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

CHICAGO—Zenith Lounge bouncer Keith Murphy, 25, openly wept Saturday after hearing the heart-wrenching story of two young men waiting in line who had been separated from their friends already inside the bar. "Oh, you poor things—no group of buddies should get split up in the parking lot because one of them has to run back to the car for his wallet." said Murphy, taking a moment to compose himself. "And this all happened on your birthday? I didn't realize this was your birthday. Man, that just sucks." Murphy, who does not generally become emotionally involved in his work, began sobbing uncontrollably when he had to inform the two men that he could not possibly let them into the club without some ladies.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close