Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

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Vol 45 Issue 05

Area Man Already Tired Of Prison

SHERIDAN, OR—"Honestly, what am I supposed to do now?" First-time inmate Martin Hayes asked. "Sit-Ups? Did some already. And I finished the book I brought with me."

Octuplets Doing Well

The second set of octuplets born in the United States is doing well, with all reportedly breathing on their own. What do you think?
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

CHICAGO—Zenith Lounge bouncer Keith Murphy, 25, openly wept Saturday after hearing the heart-wrenching story of two young men waiting in line who had been separated from their friends already inside the bar. "Oh, you poor things—no group of buddies should get split up in the parking lot because one of them has to run back to the car for his wallet." said Murphy, taking a moment to compose himself. "And this all happened on your birthday? I didn't realize this was your birthday. Man, that just sucks." Murphy, who does not generally become emotionally involved in his work, began sobbing uncontrollably when he had to inform the two men that he could not possibly let them into the club without some ladies.

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