adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bouncer Moved To Tears By Tale Of Friends Already In Club

CHICAGO—Zenith Lounge bouncer Keith Murphy, 25, openly wept Saturday after hearing the heart-wrenching story of two young men waiting in line who had been separated from their friends already inside the bar. "Oh, you poor things—no group of buddies should get split up in the parking lot because one of them has to run back to the car for his wallet." said Murphy, taking a moment to compose himself. "And this all happened on your birthday? I didn't realize this was your birthday. Man, that just sucks." Murphy, who does not generally become emotionally involved in his work, began sobbing uncontrollably when he had to inform the two men that he could not possibly let them into the club without some ladies.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close