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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour

MANCHESTER, CT—According to bored and increasingly irritated sources currently sitting at lane 8 of Manchester Family Bowl, Nick Morwood’s fourteenth birthday party has now dragged on into a fifth excruciating hour. “Another game? You can’t be serious,” said Will Meaker, 12, noting with great annoyance that Morwood had just entered a set of new ridiculous nicknames into the computer. “And we haven’t even done cake and gifts yet. Ugh, this is never going to end.” At press time, a fed-up Meaker groaned as the party was extended further by an attendant who spent several minutes dislodging a pin with a broomstick.

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