Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour

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Vol 47 Issue 41

Report: All The Good Seashells Taken

CORAL GABLES, FL—According to a report released Monday by a group of environmental researchers, all the good seashells worth picking up and bringing home have already been taken, a development that threatens the very future of shell collection regionally.

Topeka Decriminalizes Domestic Violence

Following a dispute between city and county officials over who should pay to prosecute offenders, the Topeka City Council voted to decriminalize misdemeanor domestic violence. What do you think?

Hollywood Announces Plan To Remake Jimmy Stewart

Congress passes a law requiring every U.S. dog to wear a neckerchief, a report shows that your mother is silently weeping about you right now, and an actor sometimes feels silly pretending to be somebody else. It's the week of October 10th, 2011.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Good Times

Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Family

Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour

MANCHESTER, CT—According to bored and increasingly irritated sources currently sitting at lane 8 of Manchester Family Bowl, Nick Morwood’s fourteenth birthday party has now dragged on into a fifth excruciating hour. “Another game? You can’t be serious,” said Will Meaker, 12, noting with great annoyance that Morwood had just entered a set of new ridiculous nicknames into the computer. “And we haven’t even done cake and gifts yet. Ugh, this is never going to end.” At press time, a fed-up Meaker groaned as the party was extended further by an attendant who spent several minutes dislodging a pin with a broomstick.

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