adBlockCheck

Local

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bowling Birthday Party Enters 5th Agonizing Hour

MANCHESTER, CT—According to bored and increasingly irritated sources currently sitting at lane 8 of Manchester Family Bowl, Nick Morwood’s fourteenth birthday party has now dragged on into a fifth excruciating hour. “Another game? You can’t be serious,” said Will Meaker, 12, noting with great annoyance that Morwood had just entered a set of new ridiculous nicknames into the computer. “And we haven’t even done cake and gifts yet. Ugh, this is never going to end.” At press time, a fed-up Meaker groaned as the party was extended further by an attendant who spent several minutes dislodging a pin with a broomstick.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close