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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Bowling Green State Just Going To Claim Christopher Lloyd As Alumnus Until Someone Calls Them Out

BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they could easily take advantage of the false assertion until someone calls them out on it, administrators at Bowling Green State University plan to start claiming Emmy Award–winning actor Christopher Lloyd as an alumnus, sources confirmed Friday. “Prestigious alumni can be a powerful recruitment tool, and seriously, who’s going to check to see whether he actually went to school here?” dean of admissions Karl Schuller reportedly said at a meeting of the university’s board of regents, later adding that even though it’s not true, it couldn’t hurt to start saying that Doc from the Back To The Future trilogy graduated from the theater program. “A prospective student would have to read our brochure, see the claim, somehow suspect we’re lying, look into the matter, and then confront us about it. Even if someone does do all that, who cares? We could still get a few enrollments out of the deal before the jig is up.” If the policy proves successful, Schuller said he remained open to the idea of adding Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis to the list of the school’s College of Arts and Sciences alumni.

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