adBlockCheck

Local

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
End Of Section
  • More News

Bowling Green State Just Going To Claim Christopher Lloyd As Alumnus Until Someone Calls Them Out

BOWLING GREEN, OH—Saying they could easily take advantage of the false assertion until someone calls them out on it, administrators at Bowling Green State University plan to start claiming Emmy Award–winning actor Christopher Lloyd as an alumnus, sources confirmed Friday. “Prestigious alumni can be a powerful recruitment tool, and seriously, who’s going to check to see whether he actually went to school here?” dean of admissions Karl Schuller reportedly said at a meeting of the university’s board of regents, later adding that even though it’s not true, it couldn’t hurt to start saying that Doc from the Back To The Future trilogy graduated from the theater program. “A prospective student would have to read our brochure, see the claim, somehow suspect we’re lying, look into the matter, and then confront us about it. Even if someone does do all that, who cares? We could still get a few enrollments out of the deal before the jig is up.” If the policy proves successful, Schuller said he remained open to the idea of adding Garfield cartoonist Jim Davis to the list of the school’s College of Arts and Sciences alumni.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close