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Boxer Who Killed Other Guy In Ring Somehow Not World Champion Now

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Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

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Former WWE Wrestler Found Alive At 44

PHOENIX—In a revelation that has sent shockwaves through the wrestling world, sources confirmed that former WWE wrestler Freddy Hendricks, better known as his in-ring persona “Time Bomb,” was discovered alive Friday at the age of 44.

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Study: 96% Of Pickup Games Decided By Next Score

PRINCETON, NJ—Noting that none of the game’s earlier events factored into the final outcome in any way whatsoever, a study released Wednesday by researchers at Princeton University revealed that 96 percent of all pickup games are decided by the next score.

Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.
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Boxer Who Killed Other Guy In Ring Somehow Not World Champion Now

LAS VEGAS—Despite punching his opponent so hard and so often Monday that he killed him in the ring, boxer James Griffin is somehow not the sport’s current world champion. “It would seem that killing a person while boxing would mean the pugilist has reached the absolute top of his profession, but according to federation rules, that isn’t the case,” said boxing analyst Gary Brito, adding that if the goal of boxing is to punch someone so that he can’t get up during a 10-count, punching someone to a point where he is physically incapable of ever getting up again should warrant some sort of championship belt. “There is something truly wrong with the sport when killing a man doesn’t at least earn the victor some extra prize money.” Griffin admitted to reporters he was disappointed the match did not make him world champion but said murdering a stranger with his hands in front of the man’s family and thousands of cheering people was its own reward.

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