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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Boxer Who Killed Other Guy In Ring Somehow Not World Champion Now

LAS VEGAS—Despite punching his opponent so hard and so often Monday that he killed him in the ring, boxer James Griffin is somehow not the sport’s current world champion. “It would seem that killing a person while boxing would mean the pugilist has reached the absolute top of his profession, but according to federation rules, that isn’t the case,” said boxing analyst Gary Brito, adding that if the goal of boxing is to punch someone so that he can’t get up during a 10-count, punching someone to a point where he is physically incapable of ever getting up again should warrant some sort of championship belt. “There is something truly wrong with the sport when killing a man doesn’t at least earn the victor some extra prize money.” Griffin admitted to reporters he was disappointed the match did not make him world champion but said murdering a stranger with his hands in front of the man’s family and thousands of cheering people was its own reward.

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