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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
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Boxing Fans Heartbroken As Kent Sudder Survives

Disappointing scene in Las Vegas as boxer Hector Ansada failed to kill his opponent Kent Sudder in the ring today. Despite Sudder's clearly out-of-shape physique and a referee with near-criminal level tolerance for violence, Ansada was not able to deliver the final death knell that would have snuffed Sudder's spirit forever and send over 10,000 bloodthirsty spectators home happy.

Highlights:

First Round: Ansada jumped ahead early with four devastating crosses early on. Sudder was essentially out on his feet after those four stunning blows, but flailed his arms around enough to create a semblance of life.

Sixth Round: Many in attendance swore they saw the grim spectre of death descend upon the arena, but everyone would have to wait as it merely turned out to be Sudder's mother draping herself in a black funeral shawl and wailing throughout the round.

Seventh Round: The closest thing to a fight stoppage as Sudder's estranged brother leapt into the ring and attempted to have Sudder sign a newly revised copy of a last will and testament that would have given his brother the proceeds of the fight.

Eleventh Round: Ansada delivers the final blow of the bout, a light jab to the body that doubled Sudder over and sent him careening to the mat with a sickening thud. Even through the joyous calamity of death that rung through the arena, doctors around the ring could sense something was wrong, sending the coroner back to his perch and actually breaking out some resuscitation equipment. Sure enough, Sudder was not dead.

There is a happy coda to the tale however. As Sudder's prone form was wheeled to the locker room where he would die minutes later, his body was showered with warm beer and stale popcorn from the death-deprived crowd. A security guard took issue with the fans and attempted to remove them from the arena. Other fans intervened by punching the security guard, who responded by firing wildly into the crowd, killing three. So though death went unrealized in the ring itself, there was more than enough outside it to make it a great night for true boxing fans.

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