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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Boy Scouts Celebrate Proud History Of Preparing Teens For Not Having Cool Friends

IRVING, TX—At a gala event last weekend, the Boy Scouts of America celebrated its century-long legacy of preparing young men for lifetimes devoid of friendships with their cool, respected peers. "For more than 100 years, scouting has successfully guided generations of boys on a path toward not really being able to relate to any of their high school classmates," chief scout executive Robert J. Mazzuca said. "The Boy Scouts of America instills the timeless values of character and self-reliance in our nation's youth, values which they will need as they struggle to fit into a mainstream society that thinks devoting so much time to getting merit badges is just a little weird." The festivities reportedly concluded with a celebratory dinner, after which participants silently made their way home and then stayed in for the rest of the night.

After Birth

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