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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Boy Scouts To Try Out Single Gay 12-Year-Old Before Making Decision

IRVING, TX—As the organization considers lifting its national ban on gay members, the Boy Scouts of America announced today it would make its final decision following the three-month trial membership of a single 12-year-old homosexual boy, Corey Lenivan of Lakeville, MN.

“After careful consideration and extensive dialogue within the scouting family, we have concluded the best course of action is to try out Corey for a little while before making any drastic changes to our current policy,” said Boy Scouts of America spokesman Robert Pearce, noting that the admission of the gay seventh-grader was the only way for the organization to comprehend the potential impact of homosexual members. “Basically, we want to see how well Corey camps, hikes, and fishes with the rest of his troop, and then we’ll make our decision accordingly in May.”

“We believe that decision will be more informed once we see whether someone like Corey can live up to the high standards a Boy Scout is called upon to meet, ” Pearce added. “Then we can finally put this debate to rest.”

Pearce went on to say that Lenivan would be admitted to Boy Scout Troop 269 in his hometown, where top scouting experts would carefully monitor his merit-badge progress, character development, physical fitness, and overall scoutsmanship.

Officials added that in May, the 12-year-old will be brought before the Boy Scout Executive Board, which will determine not only whether homosexuals can be included in the organization going forward, but also whether Lenivan himself will be kicked out.

“Obviously, there are numerous things that Corey will have to do to prove to us that gays are ready to be included in the Scouts,” Pearce said. “He will have to earn at least five skill awards, be able to tie all six of our Boy Scout knots, and attain the rank of Tenderfoot in order for us to consider his trial even a moderate success.”

When asked by reporters about his impending trial with the Scouts, the 12-year-old told reporters that he was just excited about finally being able to become a Boy Scout.

“I just want to hang out with my friends," Lenivan told reporters. “I'm looking forward to going camping and rafting with all of them.”

“It’s going to be a lot of fun,” Lenivan added. “I just know it.”

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