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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized. "At first he thought his dad was superman," Diane Palmer said of her 3-year-old son, who over the past few weeks had begun to suspect his father might not be the tallest, strongest, or bravest man in the whole wide world. "Though when you think about all the times Richard gave up halfway through a horsey ride or flat out ignored Myles' enthusiasm for trucks, it's not at all surprising." Palmer's record is expected to be broken later this week, when a 2-week-old infant suddenly realizes that the man holding him is just as scared and frail as he is.

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