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Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
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Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized. "At first he thought his dad was superman," Diane Palmer said of her 3-year-old son, who over the past few weeks had begun to suspect his father might not be the tallest, strongest, or bravest man in the whole wide world. "Though when you think about all the times Richard gave up halfway through a horsey ride or flat out ignored Myles' enthusiasm for trucks, it's not at all surprising." Palmer's record is expected to be broken later this week, when a 2-week-old infant suddenly realizes that the man holding him is just as scared and frail as he is.

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