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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized. "At first he thought his dad was superman," Diane Palmer said of her 3-year-old son, who over the past few weeks had begun to suspect his father might not be the tallest, strongest, or bravest man in the whole wide world. "Though when you think about all the times Richard gave up halfway through a horsey ride or flat out ignored Myles' enthusiasm for trucks, it's not at all surprising." Palmer's record is expected to be broken later this week, when a 2-week-old infant suddenly realizes that the man holding him is just as scared and frail as he is.

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