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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Boy Stops Worshipping Dad At Record Age Of 3

PAULDING, OH—Shattering the previous record by nearly six full years, area toddler Myles Palmer realized this week that his father was not in fact the towering symbol of manhood he had previously idolized. "At first he thought his dad was superman," Diane Palmer said of her 3-year-old son, who over the past few weeks had begun to suspect his father might not be the tallest, strongest, or bravest man in the whole wide world. "Though when you think about all the times Richard gave up halfway through a horsey ride or flat out ignored Myles' enthusiasm for trucks, it's not at all surprising." Palmer's record is expected to be broken later this week, when a 2-week-old infant suddenly realizes that the man holding him is just as scared and frail as he is.

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