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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Boyfriend Can Really Envision Losing His Sense Of Self Long-Term With This One

SALEM, OR—Increasingly smitten as the relationship enters its third year, local man Jeffrey Winston is beginning to see girlfriend Karen Lompoc as the one for whom he could throw away any claim to a personal identity for the rest of his life. “She’s that amazing kind of woman who could make a guy give up any hobbies or interests of his own—even his own circle of friends,” the doting 30-year-old boyfriend said Thursday. “As it stands, I haven’t seen a horror movie, played paintball, or watched any sport in over a year. I could honestly envision ceasing, for all intents and purposes, to be, and existing solely as an extension of her will.” Winston added that he hopes to propose to Lompoc as soon as he figures out when and how she would like that to happen.

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