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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Boyfriend Not To Be Trusted With Netflix Queue

ANN ARBOR, MI—Area resident Megan Sands announced Tuesday that her boyfriend, medical student Nick Kanis, would no longer be permitted to make unsupervised decisions concerning her Netflix queue. "I just checked it this morning, and Nick had added Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo to the list of films we supposedly want to watch," Sands, 25, said. "When I asked him about it, he said, 'Well, didn't you see the first one?' I don't even know how to answer that question." Barring a sudden password change or queue adjustment, Irish Jam, a 2006 comedy starring Eddie Griffin as an L.A. rapper who beguiles an entire village in Ireland, is slated to arrive in the couple's mailbox on Thursday.

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