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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Boy's Whale-Song Imitation Not Helping Anything

BROOKLYN, NY—Whale songs voiced in a local diner by 8-year-old Sasha Tyler Holgerton Monday did not in any way, shape, or form help anything, according to the adults ostensibly supervising the boy. "Sasha's chicken tenders took a little while to arrive, and while I'm very proud of my son for knowing his whale songs, I had to tell him that making those noises over and over wasn't really a good idea," part-time mother Barbara Stein-Holgerton said, explaining her difficulty in calmly explaining to Sasha that he should not mimic animals, throw ice, or stand on his seat in restaurants. "Sasha is very bright, so sometimes he forgets to use inside voices, or respect people's quiet time." Whether the boy believed his repeated whale songs would facilitate better service could not be confirmed by press time.

After Birth

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