BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation

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Vol 46 Issue 21

Work Friend Accidentally Becomes Real Friend

ATLANTA—"It's like everything had shifted," Eric Phipps said. "All of a sudden, I was stopping by his cubicle to ask about his woodworking project, and he was at mine giving me the name of a good chiropractor my sister should try for her back spasms. Then somehow I suddenly had his personal e-mail address."

Area Man Visits Haiti To Check Up On $10 Donation

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI—Three months after a 7.0 earthquake rocked the impoverished island nation of Haiti, 36-year-old Brad Halder visited its demolished capital to see firsthand how his $10 donation to a relief fund was being spent.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

BP Pledges To Continue Being Huge Profitable Corporation

LONDON—Embattled BP officials assured the public Thursday that despite the setbacks of the past month, the company was still "fiercely committed" to remaining an enormously powerful moneymaking industrial conglomerate. "We promise the good people of Louisiana or Texas or wherever that this horrific oil spill will not, even for a moment, stop us from pursuing unspeakably massive profits," BP spokesman Reginald Clacton-Thorpe told reporters. "We are even now working around the clock to make this historic PR disaster as painless for us as possible." Clacton-Thorpe stressed that "neither the terrible errors of our past nor the inevitably worse ones of our future" would affect that ultimate mission.

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