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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Brad Stevens Fired After Losing Second Consecutive NCAA Finals

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that Butler University "cannot afford to establish a culture of losing," Butler athletic director Barry Collier announced at a press conference Friday that the university was firing under-performing head basketball coach Brad Stevens, effective immediately. "We hired Coach Stevens anticipating that he would lead us to an NCAA title, but year after year he continues to come up short," said Collier, noting that expectations at Butler are high and that losing the finals to four-time champion Duke and three-time champion Connecticut was not acceptable. "We love Brad, and we wish him all the best, but he evidently was not the right fit for this team." Stevens, who is expected to continue his coaching career by accepting one of the many open assistant positions at the mid-major schools, was gracious, saying only that he deeply regretted his inability to match the high standard set by Butler legend Tony Hinkle, who coached the famed 1929 Bulldogs championship team.

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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

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