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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brad Stevens Fired After Losing Second Consecutive NCAA Finals

INDIANAPOLIS—Saying that Butler University "cannot afford to establish a culture of losing," Butler athletic director Barry Collier announced at a press conference Friday that the university was firing under-performing head basketball coach Brad Stevens, effective immediately. "We hired Coach Stevens anticipating that he would lead us to an NCAA title, but year after year he continues to come up short," said Collier, noting that expectations at Butler are high and that losing the finals to four-time champion Duke and three-time champion Connecticut was not acceptable. "We love Brad, and we wish him all the best, but he evidently was not the right fit for this team." Stevens, who is expected to continue his coaching career by accepting one of the many open assistant positions at the mid-major schools, was gracious, saying only that he deeply regretted his inability to match the high standard set by Butler legend Tony Hinkle, who coached the famed 1929 Bulldogs championship team.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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