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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Bradley Center Announcer Way More Into Miami Heat Than Bucks

MILWAUKEE—Barely mentioning the Milwaukee Bucks Monday night, the Bradley Center's public-address announcer continually showed blatant favoritism toward the Miami Heat, giving them an overblown introduction that included bombastically shouting each of the starters names, blasting music, and providing a choreographed light show. "He introduced us first even though we're the home team, and he kind of just mumbled the names of our starters," point guard Brandon Jennings said. "Then the lights went out, a laser light show started, and he told the crowd to 'please welcome their Miami Heat.' I wish the crowd wouldn't have cheered so loud, because that just encouraged him more." Though they were disappointed with their introduction, Bucks players were reportedly impressed with the confetti that fell from the ceiling after their 88-78 loss.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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