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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Bradley Center Moves Milwaukee Bucks Game To Basement

MILWAUKEE—The Milwaukee Bucks home game against the New York Knicks was relegated to the basement of the Bradley Center Tuesday, arena president Steve Costello announced to reporters, saying he was forced to hold the more popular Smucker's Stars On Ice event in the main venue. "Normally only 200 to 300 people are in attendance for most Bucks games, so the basement will provide plenty of room," Costello said, adding that the Bradley Center's basement had a quaint and intimate atmosphere most NBA fans never get a chance to experience. "Every figure-skating event we host sells out, while it costs more for us to keep the lights on during Bucks game than we make off of ticket sales." Costello said that when he created the event schedule for the year, he naturally assumed the Bucks season would either be over by now or that ownership would have moved the team to another city.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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