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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brady Quinn Frantically Trying To Confirm His Online Girlfriend Not A Hoax

KANSAS CITY—Responding to news that Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o’s girlfriend had been invented as part of an elaborate hoax, Chiefs quarterback Brady Quinn reportedly spent Friday trying to verify the existence of his own girlfriend, Veronica Smith, whom he met online. “I’m probably being paranoid, but I figure if this can happen to Manti, it can happen to anyone,” said Quinn, who placed several calls to Smith’s hometown of Sudbury, Ontario in search of someone who knew the 23-year-old. “I mean, I think Veronica is real. We’ve been together for over two years and I got a cyber hand job from her earlier this week. I don’t know—I just want to be sure I’m not getting played.” At press time, Quinn had reportedly relaxed after receiving a text message from Smith assuring him that she existed.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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