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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brady Quinn: 'I'm Going To Be A Bust'

DUBLIN, OH—Top draft prospect Brady Quinn, a strong-armed quarterback out of Notre Dame who is expected to be taken with one of the first five picks in the draft, told scouts interviewing him at his family home Monday that he would in all likelihood be a huge NFL bust. "While it's true I have impressive arm strength, and that I'm willing to stand up in the pocket against the rush, the fact remains that my lack of downfield accuracy gets me in trouble on the deep throws and my field vision is suspect," Quinn told draft evaluators from the Raiders, Browns, and Cardinals."Combine that with the enormous starting bonus I'll receive and the tendency for teams to try and develop quarterbacks long after they should give up, and I really just have 'bust' written all over me." While Quinn recommended teams look to solid prospects such as quarterback Jamarcus Russell, tackle Joe Thomas, and running back Adrian Peterson, Raiders owner Al Davis is reportedly more interested than ever in signing Quinn.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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