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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Brady Quinn Studies All Night For Written Portion Of QB Competition

CLEVELAND—Browns quarterback Brady Quinn announced Wednesday that he had been staying up all night to prepare for the written portion of the starting QB competition by learning the history of the Cleveland Browns, studying football vocabulary words, and memorizing all the symbols in the playbook. "I'm really organized and feel equipped to answer the toughest true or false, multiple choice, and fill-in-the-blank questions," said Quinn, who was spotted using a flashlight to study underneath the sheets of his training-camp bed. "I made flash cards, too. I know exactly where to position your hands when receiving the snap. And it took me a little while, but I can totally define a forward pass. I'm gonna ace this thing." Quinn, upon asking coach Eric Mangini the minimum word count for their quarterback essays and whether he would be graded on a curve, was reportedly told that the QB competition was over.

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