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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Brady Quinn Studies All Night For Written Portion Of QB Competition

CLEVELAND—Browns quarterback Brady Quinn announced Wednesday that he had been staying up all night to prepare for the written portion of the starting QB competition by learning the history of the Cleveland Browns, studying football vocabulary words, and memorizing all the symbols in the playbook. "I'm really organized and feel equipped to answer the toughest true or false, multiple choice, and fill-in-the-blank questions," said Quinn, who was spotted using a flashlight to study underneath the sheets of his training-camp bed. "I made flash cards, too. I know exactly where to position your hands when receiving the snap. And it took me a little while, but I can totally define a forward pass. I'm gonna ace this thing." Quinn, upon asking coach Eric Mangini the minimum word count for their quarterback essays and whether he would be graded on a curve, was reportedly told that the QB competition was over.

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