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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Brain-Dead Americans Defend Brain-Dead Florida Woman

PINELLAS PARK, FL—The plight of Terri Schiavo, whose brain, according to doctors, has been mostly "non-sentient" and "liquids in suspension" since her heart stopped for five minutes in February of 1990, has come to the attention of Americans whose brains have been mostly sentiment and superstition for most of their lives. "We're staying here to show our support for Terri," said a born-again Christian protester, who, like Schiavo, is capable of virtually no independent cranial activity. "Her husband and those judges can use cold, calculating reason all they like—but we know in our hearts that Terri can hear us." The protesters, who are holding a vigil outside Schiavo's hospice as family members battle in the courts over the removal of her feeding tube, have said that they will take their appeal to sympathetic brain-dead members of Congress if necessary.

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