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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Brain-Dead Americans Defend Brain-Dead Florida Woman

PINELLAS PARK, FL—The plight of Terri Schiavo, whose brain, according to doctors, has been mostly "non-sentient" and "liquids in suspension" since her heart stopped for five minutes in February of 1990, has come to the attention of Americans whose brains have been mostly sentiment and superstition for most of their lives. "We're staying here to show our support for Terri," said a born-again Christian protester, who, like Schiavo, is capable of virtually no independent cranial activity. "Her husband and those judges can use cold, calculating reason all they like—but we know in our hearts that Terri can hear us." The protesters, who are holding a vigil outside Schiavo's hospice as family members battle in the courts over the removal of her feeding tube, have said that they will take their appeal to sympathetic brain-dead members of Congress if necessary.
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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