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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brandon Phillips Nibbling On Pretzels While In Field

CINCINNATI—Claiming he just needed "a little something to nibble on," Reds second baseman Brandon Phillips brought out a glove full of miniature Rold Gold pretzels as a "between-pitches snack" during Tuesday night's game against the Braves. "Let's get 'em, guys," said Phillips, who perfectly timed his crunching with the crack of the bat to remove any suspicion. "Whattayasay now, infield! Let's turn two, let's, mmm, is that honey mustard?" Phillips was later marked with an error after scooping up a ground ball and accidentally showering shortstop Alex Gonzalez with a handful of pretzels while taking a bite out of the game ball.

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