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Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit

MINNEAPOLIS—After suffering another setback in a long line of chronic knee issues, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Brandon Roy announced Monday that he has finally purchased a do-it-yourself arthroscopic surgery kit for at-home joint repairs. “It’s so much more convenient being able to perform a meniscectomy or ACL reconstruction right from the comfort of your own bed,” Roy said of the kit, which contains arthroscopes, scalpels, forceps, hook and planing knives, biting clamps, local anesthesia, and an easy-to-follow 14,000-page instruction manual. “It takes a little while to get the hang of, but this way I don’t have to deal with the hassle of going all the way to the hospital and waiting for hours on end for an overpriced orthopedic surgeon. Just this morning I made a quick incision and shaved off some damaged cartilage around my patellar tendon, saving myself a trip to the ER and a few thousand bucks.” At press time, Roy was scrubbing up after tearing the PCL and MCL in his right knee while talking to reporters.

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