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Sports

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.
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Brandon Roy Finally Invests In Home Arthroscopic Surgery Kit

MINNEAPOLIS—After suffering another setback in a long line of chronic knee issues, Minnesota Timberwolves guard Brandon Roy announced Monday that he has finally purchased a do-it-yourself arthroscopic surgery kit for at-home joint repairs. “It’s so much more convenient being able to perform a meniscectomy or ACL reconstruction right from the comfort of your own bed,” Roy said of the kit, which contains arthroscopes, scalpels, forceps, hook and planing knives, biting clamps, local anesthesia, and an easy-to-follow 14,000-page instruction manual. “It takes a little while to get the hang of, but this way I don’t have to deal with the hassle of going all the way to the hospital and waiting for hours on end for an overpriced orthopedic surgeon. Just this morning I made a quick incision and shaved off some damaged cartilage around my patellar tendon, saving myself a trip to the ER and a few thousand bucks.” At press time, Roy was scrubbing up after tearing the PCL and MCL in his right knee while talking to reporters.

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