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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online

COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya Shaw reportedly drew a deep, resolved breath earlier today as she bravely entered Madam Jane’s Thai Cuisine without first looking it up online. “Well, I haven’t pored over the menu on the restaurant’s website, read the first 20 Yelp ratings, or scanned any online reviews from blogs or newspapers, but here we go,” Shaw said to herself as she valiantly opened the door of the small Thai café, knowing she could very well be subjecting herself to a meal that got a “Like It” rating of 40 percent on Urbanspoon. “Christ, I haven’t even seen a single picture of the food before on someone’s Tumblr page. I’m flying totally blind here.” At press time, Shaw had ordered an appetizer and an entrée based purely on their menu descriptions, having no idea if either item had made Zagat.com’s list of “Signature Dishes.”

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