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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online

COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya Shaw reportedly drew a deep, resolved breath earlier today as she bravely entered Madam Jane’s Thai Cuisine without first looking it up online. “Well, I haven’t pored over the menu on the restaurant’s website, read the first 20 Yelp ratings, or scanned any online reviews from blogs or newspapers, but here we go,” Shaw said to herself as she valiantly opened the door of the small Thai café, knowing she could very well be subjecting herself to a meal that got a “Like It” rating of 40 percent on Urbanspoon. “Christ, I haven’t even seen a single picture of the food before on someone’s Tumblr page. I’m flying totally blind here.” At press time, Shaw had ordered an appetizer and an entrée based purely on their menu descriptions, having no idea if either item had made Zagat.com’s list of “Signature Dishes.”

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