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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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Brave Woman Enters Restaurant Without First Looking It Up Online

COLUMBUS, OH—Unequipped with a smartphone or any other way to access a consensus opinion on the restaurant’s food and service, local woman Tanya Shaw reportedly drew a deep, resolved breath earlier today as she bravely entered Madam Jane’s Thai Cuisine without first looking it up online. “Well, I haven’t pored over the menu on the restaurant’s website, read the first 20 Yelp ratings, or scanned any online reviews from blogs or newspapers, but here we go,” Shaw said to herself as she valiantly opened the door of the small Thai café, knowing she could very well be subjecting herself to a meal that got a “Like It” rating of 40 percent on Urbanspoon. “Christ, I haven’t even seen a single picture of the food before on someone’s Tumblr page. I’m flying totally blind here.” At press time, Shaw had ordered an appetizer and an entrée based purely on their menu descriptions, having no idea if either item had made Zagat.com’s list of “Signature Dishes.”

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