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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Brawl Clears Benches Of Everyone But J.D. Drew

ANAHEIM, CA—Bobby Abreu's angry reaction to a purpose pitch from Boston ace Josh Beckett triggered an ugly fracas Sunday that saw both teams' benches and bullpens cleared, with the notable exception of Red Sox outfielder J.D. Drew. "They looked like they had it under control; don't want too many cooks in the kitchen," said Drew, who could be seen yawning and flicking sunflower seeds into a nearby water cup during the fight. "I thought about getting in there for a second, but then I thought, nah. It didn't really directly concern me. I mean, yeah, they shoved a bunch of my teammates, but it's not like they were gonna die or anything. If someone was in mortal danger, I'd step in there. Yeah, I'd probably do that." Drew then turned his attention to perusing his contract for opt-out clauses.

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