Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown

In This Section

Vol 47 Issue 34

Terrelle Pryor

The Raiders acquired the controversy-ridden Ohio State quarterback in the NFL supplementary draft. Is he any good?

NFL Fans Looking Forward To Season Of Touchbacks

NEW YORK—The National Football League's decision to move kickoffs to the 35 yard line has football fans across the nation anticipating a 2011 season full of dramatic, tension-producing touchbacks, league sources report.

Novelist Has Whole Shitty World Plotted Out

GLOUCESTER, MA—As he neared completion this week on his latest novel, By The Water's Edge, author Edward Milligan marveled aloud to reporters how he was able to flesh out, in meticulous detail, every single corner of his book's vast and stunn...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Small Business

Brawl Highlights Decades Of Tension Between China, Georgetown

BEIJING—The bench-clearing brawl during last week’s exhibition game between the Georgetown Hoyas and China’s Bayi Rockets was merely the latest incident in a long-simmering conflict between Asia’s most powerful country and the college basketball team, historians confirmed Monday. “Tensions between the two have been mounting ever since then-coach Buddy O’Grady came out against Mao Tse-tung and the Chinese Revolution of 1949,” said Georgetown professor Anthony DelDonna, adding that Allen Iverson’s visit to Taiwan in 1994, during which the point guard officially recognized the sovereignty of the island state, brought the communist nation and the college to the brink of all-out war. “The only surprise is that anybody made it out of this basketball game alive. The Chinese spent much of the 1980s trying to assassinate Patrick Ewing.” Though further conflicts may be temporarily averted by Georgetown coach John Thompson III and Chinese president Hu Jintao’s agreement to let U.N. peacekeepers officiate games, intelligence reports indicate the Hoyas are now only six months away from completing their first nuclear weapon.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More