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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Brazilian Government Posts Listings For 12 Soccer Stadiums On Craigslist

SAN FRANCISCO—Listing the athletic facilities within two hours of the conclusion of the World Cup final, the Brazilian government has reportedly posted 12 separate advertisements for soccer stadiums on Craigslist, sources confirmed Wednesday. “This is a great, gently used stadium that seats almost 40,000,” read the post for Arena das Dunas, which featured three grainy photos of the locker room, pitch, and a concession stand, adding that prospective buyers could view the sporting arena, or any of its other 11 for-sale structures, in person by simply touring the unlocked facility on their own. “This is perfect for soccer matches, conventions, and college graduations, and would go great with any of the northeast stadiums that are also available. All buyers must be willing to remove from site on their own. Serious inquiries only, please.” At press time, the ad had reportedly been updated to state that Brazil would only be willing to sell the stadiums in one-to-one trades for schools and hospitals.

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