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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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Brazilian Government Vows To Use All Money From World Cup For Much-Needed Soccer Infrastructure

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL—Responding to ongoing protests over perceived corruption and irresponsibility within the government, Brazilian president Dilma Rousseff announced Monday that any profits from hosting the 2014 World Cup will be invested in desperately needed improvements to the nation’s soccer infrastructure. “Hosting an event of this scale has required significant taxpayer funding, but I want to assure all Brazilians that any and all proceeds from the World Cup will go toward giving our people what they truly need: neatly trimmed grass fields, goals, nets, and brand-new Adidas soccer balls,” said Rousseff, stressing that government officials will ensure the projected $1 billion revenue stream from the international soccer tournament is immediately funneled into projects to update and expand the soccer infrastructure in all Brazilian towns and cities. “These investments are admittedly long overdue, but the system will be rebuilt from the ground up so that millions of men, women, and children can finally have access to new, well-maintained soccer facilities with pristine playing conditions for both full-field and five-a-side games.” Rousseff added that in order to accommodate the extensive nationwide overhaul, the Brazilian government will likely need to demolish several dozen schools and hospitals across the country.

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