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Man Doesn't Even Do Good Job At Sleeping

Along with his consistently poor performance at work and his general lack of common, everyday life skills, local man Corey White told reporters Thursday that he can't even do a good job at sleeping.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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BREAKING: Andy Reid Trades First Overall Pick For Bite Of Bacon Double Cheeseburger

NEW YORK—After several minutes of intense negotiations, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid agreed to trade the team’s No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 NFL draft for a bite of a bacon double cheeseburger, repeatedly insisting that the offer was too juicy and dripping with melted cheddar to refuse. “Sure, Texas A&M left tackle Luke Joeckel might provide excellent quarterback protection for the next 10 years, but this bacon double cheeseburger is just massive and loaded with succulent charbroiled beef patties,” said Reid, who was also impressed by the sandwich’s four strips of crispy bacon. “Sure, there’s a risk that this bacon double cheeseburger might not be as good as it looks. But I’ve watched and carefully studied this sandwich, and I believe it’s the real deal. No matter what, I always trust my gut.” At press time, the Chiefs general manager and scouts were shocked and horrified after watching Reid consume the entire bacon double cheeseburger in a single bite.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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