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BREAKING: Andy Reid Trades First Overall Pick For Bite Of Bacon Double Cheeseburger

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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BREAKING: Andy Reid Trades First Overall Pick For Bite Of Bacon Double Cheeseburger

NEW YORK—After several minutes of intense negotiations, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid agreed to trade the team’s No. 1 overall pick in the 2013 NFL draft for a bite of a bacon double cheeseburger, repeatedly insisting that the offer was too juicy and dripping with melted cheddar to refuse. “Sure, Texas A&M left tackle Luke Joeckel might provide excellent quarterback protection for the next 10 years, but this bacon double cheeseburger is just massive and loaded with succulent charbroiled beef patties,” said Reid, who was also impressed by the sandwich’s four strips of crispy bacon. “Sure, there’s a risk that this bacon double cheeseburger might not be as good as it looks. But I’ve watched and carefully studied this sandwich, and I believe it’s the real deal. No matter what, I always trust my gut.” At press time, the Chiefs general manager and scouts were shocked and horrified after watching Reid consume the entire bacon double cheeseburger in a single bite.

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