adBlockCheck

Recent News

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.
End Of Section
  • More News

BREAKING: Authorities Currently Racing Down Highway To Arrest You For Crime You Didn’t Commit

Run!

These police cruisers will be at your location in mere minutes. You’ve got to move now, reader. Now.
These police cruisers will be at your location in mere minutes. You’ve got to move now, reader. Now.

YOUR LOCATION—According to late-breaking reports, a police squadron is currently tearing down the highway at breakneck speeds with the express purpose of arresting you for a crime you didn’t commit—and if you want any chance of making it out of this at all, sources confirm you need to run and you need to run now.

All reports indicate we’re here to help, but you must do exactly as instructed.

First, sources familiar with your situation—and you’d better believe this is a very real, very serious situation—stress that you need to print out this article and consult it line-by-line as you reportedly get the hell out of there. Sources also note that you should bring nothing else with you and trust no one: not the police, not your closest friends, no one. The people in charge of this have reportedly gotten to them.

Don’t try to call your family, officials added. Your family is dead.

Citing the high likelihood that anyone—anyone at all—could be working for these individuals, experts who know what we’re doing here confirm you’d better avoid the elevator, with additional information suggesting that you should instead take three deep breaths, head to the back exit, go down the stairwell, and enter the parking lot.

Go now, sources added. Run!

Further reports note the man and his girlfriend who you will soon see to your left on the street are both in on it, and you need to get away from them immediately because they are dangerous. Sprint four blocks west and then three blocks north, shatter your phone, and drop it into the storm drain below your feet. Officials note that from here on out there will be no phones. According to classified information way above your pay grade, you need to disappear from the grid, plain and simple—you need to be a ghost.

Breaking reports indicate that you shouldn’t waste time catching your breath because across the street should now be a black unmarked van. Sources note that the driver inside can be trusted and that if you want to stay alive you need to get into his car immediately and tell him to take you to “The Hamlet”—it’s a safe house five miles outside of town.

As you speed away, findings have confirmed the following questions are very likely swirling in your head: Why is this happening? Who are these people? Why are you helping me? But sources have found that now is not the time for answers. At this moment, the only thing that’s important is for you to keep out of sight.

However, experts note that you have a gut feeling about who’s behind all of this, and reports indicate that while you are on the right track, you need to think bigger because it extends much, much higher than even that, with some speculating that it goes all the way to the top.

Witnesses at the scene have confirmed that just as you left the area, highly trained S.W.A.T. teams began swarming your former location, sweeping into place with M16 semiautomatic rifles and flood lights, and bursting through your door with explosive charges.

Yet, reports are asserting that if you adhered to this document precisely, the authorities are currently aiming their weapons’ laser sights at a completely empty room, with many hurriedly asking, “Does anyone have eyes on the target?” and “Who the hell tipped [you] off?”

Us, sources added. We did, because—believe it or not—you still have a few friends on the inside who aren’t willing to go along with this charade. Friends who, evidence suggests, aren’t going to sit idly by and watch an innocent person be thrown into a kangaroo court and pushed into a cold prison cell just to fulfill the sick whims of a few men corrupted to their very marrow by power.

Covert sources note that if you have escaped unharmed, you should currently be arriving at the safe house, and that it would now be in your best interest to go inside and sit down. Within an hour, sources have ensured that a man named Marcus Bennett will meet you to provide safe passage into Canada.

Reports have also confirmed that inside, under the cot’s bedspring, you will find an envelope containing $10,000 in cash and forged documents that will allow you to create a new identity as you seek out those responsible for this. Sources note that if you have any questions, address them to Marcus Bennett. By the way, reports state, your name is now Alex Ainsel. Forget who you used to be.

That life is a luxury you can no longer afford, those with knowledge of the situation confirmed.

At press time, if you followed all of these instructions to the letter and are currently inside the safe house, you have fallen entirely into our trap. That’s right. Sources note that you need to put your hands over your head, you son of a bitch. We reportedly have snipers around the perimeter.

Did you actually think you were going to get away with this? No, we just needed to lead you out of prying eyes, to keep you from making a scene. Scream as loud as you want, motherfucker, because reports confirm no one is going to hear you for miles. Sources concluded that it’s done, you poor dumb bastard. We’ve got you now.

Game over.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close