BREAKING: Can Anyone Ever Truly Know Anything? What Is The Truth?

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Strongside/Weakside: Jurgen Klinsmann

Despite leading the U.S. men’s national team through the so-called “Group of Death” in the 2014 World Cup, Jurgen Klinsmann has come under heavy criticism this week after his side finished fourth in the 2015 Gold Cup. Is he any good?

How Apple Plans To Rebound From Apple Watch Flop

With sales of the Apple Watch reportedly down 90 percent since its initial release, Apple is suffering in the wearables market and faces a lack of enthusiasm about its latest product. Here are some ways Apple can improve the watch and prevent the company from falling into a slump:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Coworkers Pull Off Daring One-Hour Lunch Break

TUCSON, AZ—Saying they couldn’t believe such a wild exploit had even been attempted, employees at local marketing firm Synergy Media Services told reporters they were still completely dumbfounded Thursday after account manager Tim Gibbons managed to pull off a daring one-hour lunch break.

BREAKING: Can Anyone Ever Truly Know Anything? What Is The Truth?

WATERTOWN, MA—According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know anything and, when one actually stops and thinks about it, what is the truth, really? While authorities have continued updating the public on the progress of the manhunt and eyewitnesses have corroborated the stories, reporters have to wonder: How do any of us ever really discern what has “happened” from what has “not happened,” if indeed such terms are mutually exclusive, in the context of spacetime, or even truly knowable? Furthermore, one could potentially view everything we see and hear—or rather, everything we perceive—as being little more than a string of continuing falsities, one after another, throughout the entirety of our existence. Who can we trust? Is our only option to continue believing everything we experience, in a phenomenological sense, and ignore the true possibility that all that truly is, has been, and will be, is an illusion, a shadow cast upon the wall of eternity? Keep checking theonion.com for more updates on this story, which may in fact only be an elaborate construct of our own collective consciousness.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings