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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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BREAKING: Can Anyone Ever Truly Know Anything? What Is The Truth?

WATERTOWN, MA—According to the latest news breaking from the scene of the ongoing Boston bomber manhunt, sources asked if anyone can ever truly know anything and, when one actually stops and thinks about it, what is the truth, really? While authorities have continued updating the public on the progress of the manhunt and eyewitnesses have corroborated the stories, reporters have to wonder: How do any of us ever really discern what has “happened” from what has “not happened,” if indeed such terms are mutually exclusive, in the context of spacetime, or even truly knowable? Furthermore, one could potentially view everything we see and hear—or rather, everything we perceive—as being little more than a string of continuing falsities, one after another, throughout the entirety of our existence. Who can we trust? Is our only option to continue believing everything we experience, in a phenomenological sense, and ignore the true possibility that all that truly is, has been, and will be, is an illusion, a shadow cast upon the wall of eternity? Keep checking theonion.com for more updates on this story, which may in fact only be an elaborate construct of our own collective consciousness.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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