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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere

Groups Of 2, Sometimes 3 Seen Heading Down Hallways

WASHINGTON—Sources from inside the U.S. Capitol are reporting that random groups of congressmen are currently walking through hallways, corridors, and foyers toward some location, often in groups of two, three, or four. “Though their destination remains as yet unclear, the legislators have been seen walking up and down staircases, and have also been observed gesticulating with both their right and left arms,” Beltway observers told reporters, adding that an assortment of congressional aides are typically trailing behind the various groups. “Some clusters of congressmen are talking and joking with one another. Others are confidently striding through the Capitol. Occasionally they will lean in to one another and whisper something out of earshot of reporters and then slyly smile. We still don’t know where they are going, though.” At press time, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was the only elected official seen walking by himself, with no one within 30 feet of him.

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