Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere

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Vol 49 Issue 40

Packers Go With No-Cuddle Offense

GREEN BAY, WI—Seeking to quicken the game’s pace by not cuddling up before every snap, Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers confirmed that his team plans to run a no-cuddle offense on Sunday against the Detroit Lions.

Giant Hornets Terrorize Central China

The Chinese province of Shaanxi has been devastated by Asian giant hornets, which are the size of a human thumb and have venom capable of causing kidney failure, with hornet attacks hospitalizing over 200 citizens and injuring nearly 1,500 more this year.

Onion Sports’ NFL Week Five Picks

OSN shares its expert analysis on the teams that will come away with victory in this weekend’s NFL week five games: Bills at Browns OSN’s Lock Of The Week: Browns – Starting quarterback Brian Hoyer will injure his k...
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Breaking: Congressmen Walking Somewhere

Groups Of 2, Sometimes 3 Seen Heading Down Hallways

WASHINGTON—Sources from inside the U.S. Capitol are reporting that random groups of congressmen are currently walking through hallways, corridors, and foyers toward some location, often in groups of two, three, or four. “Though their destination remains as yet unclear, the legislators have been seen walking up and down staircases, and have also been observed gesticulating with both their right and left arms,” Beltway observers told reporters, adding that an assortment of congressional aides are typically trailing behind the various groups. “Some clusters of congressmen are talking and joking with one another. Others are confidently striding through the Capitol. Occasionally they will lean in to one another and whisper something out of earshot of reporters and then slyly smile. We still don’t know where they are going, though.” At press time, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) was the only elected official seen walking by himself, with no one within 30 feet of him.

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