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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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BREAKING: Cousin Mark Coming After All

RESTON, VA—In an unexpected turn of events, Aunt Trisha announced Thursday that her son Mark is actually coming to Thanksgiving dinner after all, confirming that the 29-year-old can definitely make it now. “I guess he doesn’t have to take that holiday shift,” said Aunt Trisha shortly after receiving a brief telephone call from Mark. “I just checked and he’ll probably get here right about when we start. So we can set an extra plate. It’s a shame Todd can’t make it, too.” At press time, sources were unable to corroborate reports that cousin Mark was bringing his girlfriend, Stephanie, but had confirmed numerous rumors that he was stopping at the liquor store on his way over.

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