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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake

POTOMAC, MD—According to sources close to the situation, it would be really great if you could give Daniel a call because he’s going completely off the rails—dropped out of Wharton, Wharton, for God’s sake—and maybe you could talk some sense into him since sources have confirmed he certainly isn’t listening to them, that’s for sure. “He just won’t listen to reason, and it’s like he doesn’t even care about his future; I mean, my God, we’re talking about Wharton here—who leaves Wharton?” said a source familiar with the situation and who went on to cite reports indicating that, look, this isn’t Stern, this isn’t Kellogg—Daniel got a full ride to Kellogg and he turned it down for Wharton and now he’s, what, throwing it all away? “This isn’t the Danny we know. Something’s going on with him. I don’t know what it is; he’s acting like everything’s fine, but come on, you don’t up and drop out of Wharton—Wharton—if everything’s fine. Please just call him. He listens to you.” Observers went on to say that Daniel respects you, he cares what you think, and that you more than anyone else might be able to knock a little reality into him before he really flushes it all down the toilet and gets back with Sarah—yes, Sarah again, as if he couldn’t do better—like he’s been hinting.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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