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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake

POTOMAC, MD—According to sources close to the situation, it would be really great if you could give Daniel a call because he’s going completely off the rails—dropped out of Wharton, Wharton, for God’s sake—and maybe you could talk some sense into him since sources have confirmed he certainly isn’t listening to them, that’s for sure. “He just won’t listen to reason, and it’s like he doesn’t even care about his future; I mean, my God, we’re talking about Wharton here—who leaves Wharton?” said a source familiar with the situation and who went on to cite reports indicating that, look, this isn’t Stern, this isn’t Kellogg—Daniel got a full ride to Kellogg and he turned it down for Wharton and now he’s, what, throwing it all away? “This isn’t the Danny we know. Something’s going on with him. I don’t know what it is; he’s acting like everything’s fine, but come on, you don’t up and drop out of Wharton—Wharton—if everything’s fine. Please just call him. He listens to you.” Observers went on to say that Daniel respects you, he cares what you think, and that you more than anyone else might be able to knock a little reality into him before he really flushes it all down the toilet and gets back with Sarah—yes, Sarah again, as if he couldn’t do better—like he’s been hinting.

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