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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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BREAKING: Daniel Throwing His Life Away, You Should Call Him, He Dropped Out Of Wharton—Wharton, For God’s Sake

POTOMAC, MD—According to sources close to the situation, it would be really great if you could give Daniel a call because he’s going completely off the rails—dropped out of Wharton, Wharton, for God’s sake—and maybe you could talk some sense into him since sources have confirmed he certainly isn’t listening to them, that’s for sure. “He just won’t listen to reason, and it’s like he doesn’t even care about his future; I mean, my God, we’re talking about Wharton here—who leaves Wharton?” said a source familiar with the situation and who went on to cite reports indicating that, look, this isn’t Stern, this isn’t Kellogg—Daniel got a full ride to Kellogg and he turned it down for Wharton and now he’s, what, throwing it all away? “This isn’t the Danny we know. Something’s going on with him. I don’t know what it is; he’s acting like everything’s fine, but come on, you don’t up and drop out of Wharton—Wharton—if everything’s fine. Please just call him. He listens to you.” Observers went on to say that Daniel respects you, he cares what you think, and that you more than anyone else might be able to knock a little reality into him before he really flushes it all down the toilet and gets back with Sarah—yes, Sarah again, as if he couldn’t do better—like he’s been hinting.

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