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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible

PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to live forever!” slurred the fast-living, indestructible teen, swerving his father’s BMW through the torrential rain and accelerating down the winding mountain highway. “I’ll be young forever, too. ’Cause I play by my own set of rules.” The immortal being then reportedly sneered as he locked eyes with his own reflection in the rearview mirror, pressed harder on the gas, and approached a sharp bend in the road.

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