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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible

PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to live forever!” slurred the fast-living, indestructible teen, swerving his father’s BMW through the torrential rain and accelerating down the winding mountain highway. “I’ll be young forever, too. ’Cause I play by my own set of rules.” The immortal being then reportedly sneered as he locked eyes with his own reflection in the rearview mirror, pressed harder on the gas, and approached a sharp bend in the road.

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