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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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BREAKING: Drunk Teen Going 100 MPH Down Slick Highway Is Invincible

PALMDALE, CA—With one hand on the wheel and the other turning up a radio blasting Black Flag’s “Rise Above,” the drunk 17-year-old currently driving a convertible at 100 miles per hour down a slippery patch of California State Route 138 is utterly invincible, sources have confirmed. “Nothing can stop me—I’m going to live forever!” slurred the fast-living, indestructible teen, swerving his father’s BMW through the torrential rain and accelerating down the winding mountain highway. “I’ll be young forever, too. ’Cause I play by my own set of rules.” The immortal being then reportedly sneered as he locked eyes with his own reflection in the rearview mirror, pressed harder on the gas, and approached a sharp bend in the road.

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