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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Moments after purchasing a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R, your friend Pete has already been killed, bystanders outside the motorcycle dealership have just confirmed. "Boy, that didn't last long," said bike salesman Chris Varrick, adding that “no more than 10 seconds” after becoming a bike owner, Pete lost control of his motorcycle, collided with an 18-wheeler, was flung approximately 30 yards, and died upon impact with the pavement. "He handed over the check, thanked me, and took off down Jackson Road. And then he died." At press time, Pete's younger brother, who inherited the bike, has also already died.

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