BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead

In This Section

Vol 48 Issue 39

The Science Of Sex

Discovery 9:00 p.m. EDT/8:00 p.m. CDT Scientists take an up-close look at what attracts us to each other and why, using clinical words for stuff like “cock” and “fucking.”

Tragic Accident Kills Aspiring Living Person

BOISE, ID—According to friends and family, the automobile accident that claimed the life of area youth Evan Laskin this week tragically cut short the prospects of a talented 18-year-old who had aspired his whole life to be a living person. Those clo...

Voting Begins In Iowa

More than a month before Election Day, residents of key swing state Iowa began casting their ballots at designated polling locations yesterday as part of the state’s early voting process.

Robot Butler

Fox 9:30 p.m. EDT/8:30 p.m. CDT A drink order does not compute, so Robot Butler murders everyone.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Innovation

BREAKING: Friend Who Just Got Motorcycle Already Dead

BRIDGEPORT, CT—Moments after purchasing a new Kawasaki Ninja 250R, your friend Pete has already been killed, bystanders outside the motorcycle dealership have just confirmed. "Boy, that didn't last long," said bike salesman Chris Varrick, adding that “no more than 10 seconds” after becoming a bike owner, Pete lost control of his motorcycle, collided with an 18-wheeler, was flung approximately 30 yards, and died upon impact with the pavement. "He handed over the check, thanked me, and took off down Jackson Road. And then he died." At press time, Pete's younger brother, who inherited the bike, has also already died.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More