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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how it is. Everything’s good other than that, though.

Man. Crazy day, right?

Let’s see, what else. Anything else big happening? Oh, you guys see that breaking news update about how the brothers were Chechen? You probably did. It was from a while ago. Pretty interesting, though.

Hey, speaking of, quick question: How are you guys getting your news on all this stuff? Through Twitter? Seems like people are checking a mix of different things. Would be interesting to see some stats on where people are getting their news. Would probably make a pretty interesting graph, if someone wanted to graph it out. The times they are a-changin’, eh?

Well, anyway. Again, hope everyone is doing okay. And...yeah. That’s about it. We’ll check in soon. Take care, guys.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

More from this section

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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