adBlockCheck

BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

Top Headlines

Recent News

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Report: Nobody Fucking Cares

NEW YORK—According to a brief but conclusive report released Monday, nobody fucking cares. “Doesn’t fucking matter,” read the report in part, which went on to inform readers that no one gives two shits, so fuck it.

Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how it is. Everything’s good other than that, though.

Man. Crazy day, right?

Let’s see, what else. Anything else big happening? Oh, you guys see that breaking news update about how the brothers were Chechen? You probably did. It was from a while ago. Pretty interesting, though.

Hey, speaking of, quick question: How are you guys getting your news on all this stuff? Through Twitter? Seems like people are checking a mix of different things. Would be interesting to see some stats on where people are getting their news. Would probably make a pretty interesting graph, if someone wanted to graph it out. The times they are a-changin’, eh?

Well, anyway. Again, hope everyone is doing okay. And...yeah. That’s about it. We’ll check in soon. Take care, guys.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close