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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how it is. Everything’s good other than that, though.

Man. Crazy day, right?

Let’s see, what else. Anything else big happening? Oh, you guys see that breaking news update about how the brothers were Chechen? You probably did. It was from a while ago. Pretty interesting, though.

Hey, speaking of, quick question: How are you guys getting your news on all this stuff? Through Twitter? Seems like people are checking a mix of different things. Would be interesting to see some stats on where people are getting their news. Would probably make a pretty interesting graph, if someone wanted to graph it out. The times they are a-changin’, eh?

Well, anyway. Again, hope everyone is doing okay. And...yeah. That’s about it. We’ll check in soon. Take care, guys.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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