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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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BREAKING: How’s Everyone Doing?

WATERTOWN, MA—Sources are currently reporting no actual relevant breaking news of any kind coming out of the Watertown area, so, yeah, anyway, how’s everyone doing? You guys doing good? Reporters from The Onion can verify that they’re doing pretty good, just waiting for some more breaking news to come in. You know how it is. Everything’s good other than that, though.

Man. Crazy day, right?

Let’s see, what else. Anything else big happening? Oh, you guys see that breaking news update about how the brothers were Chechen? You probably did. It was from a while ago. Pretty interesting, though.

Hey, speaking of, quick question: How are you guys getting your news on all this stuff? Through Twitter? Seems like people are checking a mix of different things. Would be interesting to see some stats on where people are getting their news. Would probably make a pretty interesting graph, if someone wanted to graph it out. The times they are a-changin’, eh?

Well, anyway. Again, hope everyone is doing okay. And...yeah. That’s about it. We’ll check in soon. Take care, guys.

Continuing coverage of the Boston Marathon bombings

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