adBlockCheck

Recent News

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
End Of Section
  • More News

Breaking: Intruders Detected In Zone 17

Zone 17 security personnel are confirming that the intruders have bypassed the thermal uplink and are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous.
Zone 17 security personnel are confirming that the intruders have bypassed the thermal uplink and are believed to be armed and extremely dangerous.

THE TIBERIUS COMPLEX—According to hazard agents stationed in Level 8 of the Pyroid Reactor, a group of unidentified intruders have been detected in Zone 17, and are at this very moment proceeding with great haste toward the first inner layer of the complex dome.

Maintenance workers and security personnel have been advised by the Director to remain on high alert, as interior grid scans confirm the intruders are armed and highly dangerous, and may at this very moment be headed straight for the Pericles IV mainframe, which alarmed sources repeatedly stressed is the very nerve center of the Tiberius Complex.

“Code Alpha—the perimeter has been breached; repeat, the perimeter has been breached,” said an automated voice announcement broadcast throughout all 24 zones of the Tiberius Complex, confirming that four as yet unidentified individuals had successfully bypassed the main terminal’s thermal uplink. “Turrets deployed in Sectors 8 through 12. Assume readiness. Assume readiness.”

“Lockdown begins in five… four… three… two… one…” the announcement added.

The Director has urged calm and reason in the midst of the security breach.

According to a spokesman for the Director himself, disturbances such as this are “highly irregular” in the Tiberius Complex, and sources should “rest assured” that those intruders responsible—be they agents of the resistance or covert ops forces from the Krymt Group—would soon be apprehended and delivered to Central Station forthwith for immediate reeducation.

However, numerous other Tiberius sources, head data engineering chief Maxwell Quint among them, have expressed a growing concern that Zone 17 was perhaps not sufficiently designed to contain potential security breaches, and that, should the intruders somehow make it past the Lambent Gate, all may be lost.

Reports have also surfaced that the Director may have already safely absconded to the roof level of Tiberius Tower, where air transport is said to await.

“Tiberius employees, do not panic,” read a statement from the Director uploaded to the personal data devices of each and every Tiberius worker. “Your Director loves you. Harm shall not befall this complex. Take all precautions and bring the intruders to heel. Vigilance and sacrifice are required. Contain the threat and resume operations.”

“I am with you,” the Director’s statement concluded. “I am all around you.”

At press time, a deep red glow had begun to fill the complex, signaling that the Omega Protocol had gone into effect.

UPDATE: Sources are confirming that the Omega Protocol has failed. Again, the Omega Protocol has reportedly failed. All surviving personnel are advised to evacuate the Complex immediately.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close