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Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda

MIAMI—After viewing its latest pitch highlighting all he could accomplish with its organization, NBA power forward LeBron James confirmed Tuesday that he is currently leaning toward joining the militant Islamic group al-Qaeda. “I’ve been doing my due diligence, and right now I’m really interested in [al-Qaeda leader] Ayman al-Zawahiri’s vision and what he has already built over there,” said James, adding that while he has also considered offers from terrorist organizations such as Boko Haram and the Taliban, he believes heading to al-Qaeda remains his best opportunity to defeat the West in the immediate future. “It seems like they’re open to doing a max deal, but I’d be willing to take a pay cut if that’s what it’ll take for them to bring in a big-time cell leader to work alongside me. Of course, I also can’t ignore their storied history and the fact that they have such a loyal following. I’m certain they have the personnel to take out both L.A. and San Antonio. Overall, I think moving to the Arabian Peninsula is the best option for me right now, and it will help take me to the next level.” At press time, James confirmed that his agent Rich Paul, who has been overseas negotiating with the group, has not been heard from in six days.

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