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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Breaking: LeBron James Leaning Toward Joining Al-Qaeda

MIAMI—After viewing its latest pitch highlighting all he could accomplish with its organization, NBA power forward LeBron James confirmed Tuesday that he is currently leaning toward joining the militant Islamic group al-Qaeda. “I’ve been doing my due diligence, and right now I’m really interested in [al-Qaeda leader] Ayman al-Zawahiri’s vision and what he has already built over there,” said James, adding that while he has also considered offers from terrorist organizations such as Boko Haram and the Taliban, he believes heading to al-Qaeda remains his best opportunity to defeat the West in the immediate future. “It seems like they’re open to doing a max deal, but I’d be willing to take a pay cut if that’s what it’ll take for them to bring in a big-time cell leader to work alongside me. Of course, I also can’t ignore their storied history and the fact that they have such a loyal following. I’m certain they have the personnel to take out both L.A. and San Antonio. Overall, I think moving to the Arabian Peninsula is the best option for me right now, and it will help take me to the next level.” At press time, James confirmed that his agent Rich Paul, who has been overseas negotiating with the group, has not been heard from in six days.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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