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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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BREAKING: Lovers Lost In Fog

‘Isabelle!’

SEDGECREST GRANGE—According to reports currently emanating from the sullen gloom of Sedgecrest Grange, two young lovers, mere moments after their impetuous peregrination into the dusky marshlands, have become hopelessly lost and separated, their every movement obscured by fog’s ashen shawl. “Isabelle!” called out Clancy Ferris Radford, a swain of handsome countenance, noble of birth yet possessed of a schoolboy’s willfulness, his whims unbridled, his temper as wild as the desperate cries to his beloved presently vanishing into the misty bog. “Isabelle! Seek out my voice, fair girl! The evening hastens!” At press time, a chill had gripped the air, beckoned by twilight, as Clancy’s soul yearned for the warm sanctuary of Sedgecrest Manor, for the touch of brocade and the smell of spiced wine, and for the azure eyes of his raven-haired beauty, now lost, perchance forever, in the widening brume.

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